Hey Kids,

Feel free to leave your stuff wherever you want this summer. Half drunk smoothies in the family room? No problem. I got it. Socks in the hall. I’m on it. Dishes in the sink? Keep ’em coming. Legos? Everywhere? Love it. Oh, and feel free to drag your blankets all over the house and abandon them the moment you no longer want them. I’ll fold them lovingly for you and return them to your rooms.

And doors? Shutting them is optional. I’m right behind you, so, seriously, don’t worry about it. I love when the wasps get in and the air conditioning gets out. Who are we to be sequestered in our climate controlled house? Open door policy in this house. We have endless money.

And it’s totally fine to leave your wet bathing suits and towels on any surface from the floor to the banister. I love heaps, but be creative! Oh, and putting them on painted wood surfaces is the best. I’ll grab them so they don’t warp the wood. You’re busy. Stop. Get back to your Netflix. Friends is not going to binge watch itself.

And let me know when you are hungry. Don’t be encumbered by normal meal times. And please don’t coordinate with each other. The kitchen is open 24/7 and I’m happy to whip up anything you need, whenever you need it. I majored in short order cooking.

And if you make something yourself, just leave every single item exactly where you last needed it. Milk, too. If it goes bad…I’ll just buy more. Money? Please. I’ll just work more. And I got the clean-up. I will walk in your footsteps and put things away. It’s fun for me to live vicariously through your cooking. Like, wow, how did they get so much shredded cheese on the counter? Impressive.

And every time you are thirsty…get a new glass. We have tons. And a dishwasher I love to load and unload. And, as far as I know, endless electricity and water. The world is our oyster.

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And if something comes up with your friends? I’m in. I’ll drive you there or back, or hell, both. I mean, I have a car and a license. I should put it to good use. And please, no need to give me any advance notice. I can easily stop whatever I’m doing, even work, to take you. I know how valuable your time is. Need some money for the movies? You got it, kiddo.

And to the little one, when you feel like it, I’ll take you to the pool. Before we go, you can complain and squirm while I put on your sunscreen. Don’t hold back. Just be you. Express how you’re feeling. It is cold, isn’t it? I love the challenge of when you inch away slowly as I’m applying it. Good stretch for my arms and back. Kind of you to think of me.

And just one thing on goggles. I’m on it. Don’t bother to keep track of yours. I’ve made it my summer mission to know where your goggles are at all times (in the car…left side…wedged in between the seats). At night, I’m sleeping with them under my pillow. We can’t be too careful. How will you swim without them?

Just a few last minute housekeeping items: Eye rolling? Yes! I love the immediate feedback of my thoughts and ideas. How else can I gauge if I’m pleasing you or not? Showering? Optional. You know what’s best. I defer to you. Wearing a hat? No way. The more sun the better. Chores? Just tell me when it’s a good time for you. The weeds and messes aren’t going anywhere.

One last thing…please always wear your headphones so that you can’t hear me when I’m talking to you. Communication is totally overrated. Little known fact about me? I love yelling things at the top of my lungs three or four times with no response. It’s very cathartic. Look it up.

Well, call me crazy, but if you guys follow all of these guidelines, I think this summer is going to be a win for all of us.

Or if you don’t understand sarcasm, you won’t make it until July. Either way…

Love you guys.

The Default Parent
Meredith Trotta
www.mblazoned.com

129 Comments

  1. Ronda on June 2, 2016 at 10:49 am

    Maybe you don’t have girls or did you just forget the bobbie pins? Bobbie pins All.Over.The.House The vacuum loves to eat them (not!)



  2. Murat MEYDANOĞLU on March 7, 2016 at 12:53 pm

    Very best regards from Turkey with love..
    As a being father of my all, i and my family support you.



    • M. on March 18, 2016 at 2:16 pm

      Love this comment so much! Love being sent to Turkey and your family!



  3. Victoria on August 23, 2015 at 9:38 am

    I love it!!! Finally someone who understand! I owe you a glass of wine!



    • M. on August 24, 2015 at 10:33 am

      I accept! Glass of wine at some point for us to laugh over.



  4. Alison at NOVA Frugal Family on August 23, 2015 at 9:25 am

    Totally laughed out loud and I have had that conversation about the goggles more than once this summer. My husband asked my son to throw out the wrapper from his granola bar after eating it and he asked him to throw it out because he was closer (even though he was trying to put together the china cabinet). My husband told him that he was busy and my son ate the granola and should throw it out. He declared that we were treating him like a slave. I was in the kitchen baking three loaves of banana bread, emptying the dishwasher, filling the dishwasher, washing dishes, and cleaning the kitchen when he came in grudgingly to throw the wrapper away. It took everything I had not to laugh!! Tough life these kids have 🙂



    • M. on August 24, 2015 at 10:34 am

      That is exactly like my house! I love the granola bar wrapping. Seriously hilarious stuff. Keep laughing.



  5. Sally Vaziri on August 21, 2015 at 2:42 pm

    Meredith , You are killing me! I so deserve the burst of laughter from this because God knows with 3 boys I have no time to go to a Comedy Club. I live in Napa so I do have plenty of wine to drink, thank God. Helps me survive the entire 14 year old baseball team in my swimming pool untill midnight.

    Now one thing you need to replace movie and TV time to the addiction of the X-Box. I swear it is like a Cocaine addiction, though I don’t know what that is like. Only the wine addiction. My kids love the X-Box NBA 2k and this Call of Duty which somehow yells obscenities out at me children or me as I wash the dishes. Seriously, when I leave the home I take the X-Box with me and throw it in my trunk. You ask why I don’t get rid of it , it has the highest negotiating ante of any for my 3 boys. The X-Box drives me crazy. You really need to Blog about it. Even though my kids do 3 sports in High School and the youngest tons of sports they still manage time to kill people on this thing. My son actually wanted a TV and X-Box in his bedroom. If I let him have that I would have truly lost it.

    Anyway, You are too funny and my new best friend along with my besties here that make me laugh out loud.

    You have a gift of writing girlfirend.. I will have you over to help my oldest write the best Essay possible for his college applications!

    Cheers and thanks for the laughs, from Napa

    Sally
    Mom to 3 boys



    • M. on August 24, 2015 at 10:41 am

      We are totally weird cyber friends. Thanks for the nice comments on my writing. Hope you are following me on Facebook so that when I’m in Napa, I can shout out and come by for some wine and laughs!! xo



    • M. on August 24, 2015 at 10:41 am

      We are totally weird cyber friends. Thanks for the nice comments on my writing. Hope you are following me on Facebook so that when I’m in Napa, I can shout out and come by for some wine and laughs!! xo