rules for being human

Handed Down From Current Writing Software

1. You will receive a body. You will find said body to be too skinny during adolescence and too bottom heavy for the rest of your time on earth. You will try many things to try to fix this. But you will never, ever give up chocolate or wine.

2.You will learn lessons. You are cool with that.

3. There are no mistakes, only lessons. This news elates you and makes you feel super, mega bulletproof.

4. A lesson will be repeated until it is learned. You feel optimistic that lessons can be learned. More good news!

5. Learning lessons doesn’t end. You are now clued in on this speak and have just realized that you will continue to make mistakes…just maybe some new ones. Gee, great! You open wine.

6. “There” is no better than “here.” The entire premise of your thought process is blown away. You drain wine and shout at your computer…”there’ is where the people are happy and having fun. Look at their vacation pictures. Shut up Dr. Seuss.

7. Others are merely mirrors of you. The wine is sinking in. You can’t quite process this concept. You briefly wonder if this is the metaphor of Snow White. You are in a funhouse, mirrors everywhere. Distorted weird looking people stare back. You check label on wine to see if it has LSD in it.

8. What you make of your life is up to you. You think, “Me? I just checked my wine label for the ingredient LSD.” You think this has to be a mistake…you correct yourself. There are no mistakes, only lesson. Damn. You need more wine.

9. Life is exactly what you think it is. Okay wait. You’ve got this. What I think it is, meaning how I would define life? Or what I think it is, meaning I can alter what life means by what I think it is? You drain glass. You pour more. You unfriend the person that posted this.

10. Your answers lie inside you. Great. Because that makes the whole thing so simple. (As an aside you wonder if “lie” was used correctly. Since you don’t really know, you assume so since it’s on the internet.) Answers inside you. Are they butter? Are they chocolate? Are they wine? There is a lot of wine inside of you. Can you get at the answers? Is Alec Trebek going to need them in the form of a question? You slug wine directly from the bottle.

11. You will forget all of this. Finally! Something you can celebrate. You toast yourself, since you are clearly alone because you are on FB and drinking wine to feel less lonely. (Don’t judge.) You suddenly feel angry. You are now belligerently angry with sanskrit. You make a mental note that you don’t really know what sanskrit is but you might be able to fake it if need be. You think if you switch one letter it would be sanskirt…without skirt. You laugh. Not falsely out loud like the LOLers but to yourself like people did before text and FB. You forget what you are laughing about. You forget everything you just read. You can’t believe they were right!

12. You can remember it whenever you want. What? Are they serious? They just said that you will forget. What kind of enigma wrapped in a riddle is this? You reread the list to see if every other line contradicts the one preceding it. You feel smug that you have enough of your wits to reason this. You can’t fully concentrate on proving this theory. You decide that if you post this others will have theories and perhaps between all of you, you will make some great discovery about the meaning of life. Then you remember that only 20 of your friends haven’t hid you yet. You try to think if any of them are smart enough. You decide a few are. You make a bold move. You post!

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One Comment

  1. The answers lie inside you.
    They lie to you, they have always lied.
    “My little man is an idiot!” — George Costanza

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