‘Twas the week before Christmas
when all through the house,
Stuff was getting done,
But not by a mouse.
The stockings were hung
By the chimney with care,
They have to be filled,
Insert a swear word here.
The children were ignoring me
all on their phones,
While visions of video bloggers
Taught them sassy tones.
And Dan at his office
And me up to my ears in crap,
Had come to the conclusion that
I would never ever get a nap.
When out in the family room
There arose such a clatter,
I sprung from my home office
To see what was the matter.
Away from my computer I flew like a flash,
Tore open my door and tried not to be rash.
The kids off their phones were now fighting anew
Who ate whose advent candy? Accusations flew.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
The dog, the culprit, threw up everywhere.
With a deep breath so calming and chill,
I swabbed up the vomit and screamed with a trill.
Why, oh, why do you leave out your food?
Cleaning up dog throw up puts me in a bad mood.
Now pull it together! Now give me a break!
I’m trying to work. I have presents to wrap for goodness sake.
Off to you rooms! You’re all off the hook.
Write a letter! Be nice! I know, read a book!
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!
My eyes – how they stared
At my To Do list – so scary!
My head – how it ached
And throbbed, not so merry!
My troll little mouth was
Pulled down in a frown,
And my back left tooth was so sore
I knew it needed a crown.
The kids retreated to their rooms
And I started to wrap.
In between each gift I lost the tape
And said crap.
Where does it go? I asked myself out loud
Talking to myself while wrapping, I was not proud.
I ate a Christmas cookie, well, a dollop of batter
And ate some more. Really, what does it matter?
Santa was cute with his round, jolly belly
So what if mine also shook when I laughed
Like a bowl full of jelly?
Santa was chubby and plump, a righteous old elf,
And I laughed that I compared my body to his, in spite of myself.
I poured some red wine and ate more raw cookie dough
I was feeling fine, having fun, well, wouldn’t you know.
I spoke not a word, the kids left me alone.
I wrapped present after present and let out a moan.
The Elf on the Shelf gave me a wink.
He knew I was Santa, and he can’t even think.
“Only a week more,” he said softly, so our last believer wouldn’t hear.
“I don’t think I’ll make it,” I cried with real fear.
“You have no choice, Lady,” he said rather lame.
(The Elf on the Shelf does not know my name.)
As he spread his felt wings with all of his might,
I heard him explain as he flew out of sight…
“Christmas is coming, your family needs you, not a faker.
Santa is good, but you’re the Default Magic Maker.”
Related Posts
If you grew up in the 70s and 80s, you are well…
I don’t know about you but I’m overwhelmed by all of the numerical…
My husband watched this video of a woman removing a cyst from…
After being married for two decades, I’ve noticed a couple of things…
Every minute of every day you wait patiently, a quandary, Oh, there…
My thighs and I have a troubled relationship. There is a great…
I find it strange that we revere years of marriage as an…
Something happens to my husband when we go on vacation. He turns…
Turns out 45 years old is just 45 years old. An age…
I happen to love teenagers. Both the ones I’ve worked with for…
This is my 13th consecutive year with a child in elementary school…
I get it. You don’t want a minivan. The entire idea of…
The last year of my life has been, let’s say, tumultuous. I…
RULES FOR BEING MEREDITH Handed Down From Current Writing Software 1. You…
I have a vague recollection of my life before I was applying…
It’s not your parents’ midlife crisis. Hey, how’s your midlife crisis going?…
When I was growing up, July 4th was my favorite holiday. Forget…
Did I say September was the worst? I might have to retract…
Almost daily, I read the news and I quickly lose faith in…
You know how when you were growing up you said you’d never…
My philosophy of life is somewhere in between Buddhist compassion and metaphorical…
I have never liked horror movies. It was one and done for…
I don’t have insomnia. I feel like insomnia is like depression, we…
I guess I expected it would be easier this time. After all,…
If you’re anywhere near middle aged, you are assaulted on the daily…
I saw an ad for some kind of tutoring for kids, I’m…
There is much debate about the worst stage of parenting. Is it…
Forget Tiger Moms and Helicopter Parenting and the latest parental wackiness I’m…
Anyone who knows me knows that I’m a prime candidate to hate…
For the first time in over five years we are sending out…
Not to be totally paranoid, but I’m pretty sure September is trying…
You know when you are feeling fat for you how you spend…
Are you the default parent? If you have to think about it,…
You’ve got to hand it to Gen Xers. We have been so…
There are so many things about myself I “should” try to change…
Showing your kids the movies you grew up with. What could go…
Dear Forties, Hello. Hello. It’s me. I know things have been over…
I have no idea why we care about some things deeply, and…
I was a tour guide in college. I worked in admissions. I’ve…
This is the somewhat true story of how my husband eating an…
“Enjoy every minute of it” is the most well-meaning piece of parenting…
Don’t get me wrong, I’ll happily take a massage and a shout…
Nestled deep within the quiet suburban setting, we come upon the natural…
Resumes are kind of my thing. My entire career has been evaluating applicants…
Have you heard about Hamilton? The run-away smash hit musical currently dominating…
Dear Friends, It is the first day of the year and of…
For the first time since my daughter started her senior year of…
So, I’m going to India. Such a simple sentence but I can…
My inner voice is an asshole. For as long as I can…
I’ve mostly made peace with all of the perceived perfection I see…
Someone started a comment to one of my blogs with, “Not to…
You ever wonder if you are doing a good job raising your…
I love my family, and I love eating food, but put them…
I recently got a crown. We all know there only a few…
Years ago, we were living in a teeny tiny, can’t stand up…
Remember Happy Fun Ball from Saturday Night Live’s greatest commercials? “It’s Happy…
If the title of this doesn’t instantly traumatize you, you probably weren’t…
…or a Seinfeld Bond. Either Way. Today is the day that 20…
Hey Kids, Feel free to leave your stuff wherever you want this…
So, my friend invited me to a Better Than Ezra concert. She said something…
Christmas is my favorite holiday. No surprise. It’s a lot of people’s…
There’s an age-old trick in the conversations of married couples dating back…
The Vidalia. Like The Onion, Only Sweeter. February 15, 2016 by M.Blazoned…
I love Christmas and I love buying gifts for people, but put…
Do you remember when I posted this photo on Facebook? When I…
Locust? Famine? Floods? You wish. Nope. The Aging Apocalypse is not the…
Hey there, I’m new to pandemics, and let me just say, I’m…
So, you’re headed out on a family vacation this summer. Great news!…
We weren’t doing anything wrong. We weren’t drinking or doing drugs. We…
Last week I was trying on a dress in a godforsaken dressing…
I was just thinking about jugglers. Because, of course I’m thinking about…
You’re not going anywhere until you survive the week before, which is…
this might be my favorite one so far 😘
Wonderful!!! You nailed it :0 I’m sure it took all that you had to get all the normal crap done and still come up with something funny for your new found famous blog 🙂 you go girl…Hat’s off to ya . happy holidays!!!