It’s Fun to Be Female
A Post Breakup Letter to My Forties
Dear Forties, Hello. Hello. It’s me. I know things have been over between us for a few weeks, but I feel like there’s so much we left unsaid, and, I’ll just say it, I miss you. I know, I know, I know. You told me that I would. That as bad as things got towards…
Read MoreThe True Story of My Free 3-Month Trial of the Peloton App
You guys, this is a true story. Missing my hot yoga classes, my super fit husband mentioned how much he was enjoying the free 3-month trial of the Peloton app, so I thought I’d give it a go. Okay, I know those of you who know me personally are already laughing. First of all, how…
Read MoreWhen You Feel Fat For You
You know when you are feeling fat for you how you spend all the time you could be exercising on thinking about why you’ve put on so much weight. Like it’s a mystery. I blame the steroid I had to take for five days due to a cough that wouldn’t go away for five weeks…
Read MoreNote to Self on Mother’s Day
Dear M., Leave the dishes in the sink. Let them fester. Let the black ants move in. Don’t rinse and load the dishwasher. Don’t put that weird little pod in and get the cycle started. Let it burn. Don’t sort or start the laundry. Don’t make a call for everyone to bring in their dirty…
Read MoreThe Family Dinner Horror Show
I have never liked horror movies. It was one and done for me. I still can’t even think about the Exorcist without covering my ears and saying, “La, la, la, la, la.” But lately, I’ve been longing for something as simple as a demon-possessed child with a spinning head. A creepy clown offering kids a…
Read MoreWe Means You
There’s an age-old trick in the conversations of married couples dating back to the days of ancient hieroglyphics, probably. It is so simple, so subtle, so cunning, it mostly goes undetected. It is a harmless pronoun that to the naked ear sounds innocent, inclusive even. But beware. It’s a trap. When someone you are in…
Read MoreEscaping Your Inner Voice Captor
My inner voice is an asshole. For as long as I can remember, even as far back as elementary school, it taught me important things like, You’re not good at art. You suck a dodge ball. Your bangs are dumb looking. You can’t spell. But like a hostage with a diabolical captor, I didn’t know…
Read MoreThe Middle Aged Unwanted Hair Battle
Unwanted hair. Yup. We are going there. The battle is real and it’s daunting and it’s not just happening to women. So men, this is not the time to bounce. Stick around. Your middle aged unwanted hair battles are just as overwhelming as ours are. We see you plucking your ear hair. You’re in this…
Read MoreI Wish I Packed My Army Green Pants, A Memoir
I Wish I Packed My Army Green Pants -A Memoir by M.Blazoned Six days, a 35 lb. bag, and three pairs of indigo wash jeans she is allergic to, Meredith has a sinking feeling she blew the entire thing by leaving her army green pants behind. This heartwarming tale that is truly as old as…
Read MoreMy Left Boob
My left boob is so much bigger than my right boob that I don’t even know what is going on anymore. It used to be subtle but now I fear people look at me and suddenly their subconscious screams out to them over and over again…lefty, lefty, lefty. And they are trying not to accidentally…
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