The Skinny on the Dyson Hair Dryer

Okay, M.Blazoneders (is that a thing?), I’ve heard you loud and clear. You want to know what I think of the Dyson hair dryer. Fair enough. Let’s go! As with everything I ever buy, I immediately suffer from buyer’s remorse, followed by an unreasonably long period examining the product and myself to truly understand if…

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A Quick Guide for Staying Young

If you’re anywhere near middle aged, you are assaulted on the daily with miracle anti-aging serums and creams to keep you young. Now, all of these are bullshit, and, also, I buy many of them. Both things can be true. But I’m starting to think that maybe staying young has almost nothing to do with…

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A Post Breakup Letter to My Forties

Dear Forties, Hello. Hello. It’s me. I know things have been over between us for a few weeks, but I feel like there’s so much we left unsaid, and, I’ll just say it, I miss you.  I know, I know, I know. You told me that I would. That as bad as things got towards…

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The True Story of My Free 3-Month Trial of the Peloton App

You guys, this is a true story. Missing my hot yoga classes, my super fit husband mentioned how much he was enjoying the free 3-month trial of the Peloton app, so I thought I’d give it a go. Okay, I know those of you who know me personally are already laughing. First of all, how…

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When You Feel Fat For You

You know when you are feeling fat for you how you spend all the time you could be exercising on thinking about why you’ve put on so much weight. Like it’s a mystery. I blame the steroid I had to take for five days due to a cough that wouldn’t go away for five weeks…

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Note to Self on Mother’s Day

Dear M., Leave the dishes in the sink. Let them fester. Let the black ants move in. Don’t rinse and load the dishwasher. Don’t put that weird little pod in and get the cycle started. Let it burn. Don’t sort or start the laundry. Don’t make a call for everyone to bring in their dirty…

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The Family Dinner Horror Show

I have never liked horror movies. It was one and done for me. I still can’t even think about the Exorcist without covering my ears and saying, “La, la, la, la, la.” But lately, I’ve been longing for something as simple as a demon-possessed child with a spinning head. A creepy clown offering kids a…

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We Means You

There’s an age-old trick in the conversations of married couples dating back to the days of ancient hieroglyphics, probably. It is so simple, so subtle, so cunning, it mostly goes undetected. It is a harmless pronoun that to the naked ear sounds innocent, inclusive even. But beware. It’s a trap. When someone you are in…

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Escaping Your Inner Voice Captor

My inner voice is an asshole. For as long as I can remember, even as far back as elementary school, it taught me important things like, You’re not good at art. You suck a dodge ball. Your bangs are dumb looking. You can’t spell. But like a hostage with a diabolical captor, I didn’t know…

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The Middle Aged Unwanted Hair Battle

Unwanted hair. Yup. We are going there. The battle is real and it’s daunting and it’s not just happening to women. So men, this is not the time to bounce. Stick around. Your middle aged unwanted hair battles are just as overwhelming as ours are. We see you plucking your ear hair. You’re in this…

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