It’s Fun to Be Female
When You Feel Fat For You
You know when you are feeling fat for you how you spend all the time you could be exercising on thinking about why you’ve put on so much weight. Like it’s a mystery. I blame the steroid I had to take for five days due to a cough that wouldn’t go away for five weeks…
Read MoreThe Family Dinner Horror Show
I have never liked horror movies. It was one and done for me. I still can’t even think about the Exorcist without covering my ears and saying, “La, la, la, la, la.” But lately, I’ve been longing for something as simple as a demon-possessed child with a spinning head. A creepy clown offering kids a…
Read MoreEscaping Your Inner Voice Captor
My inner voice is an asshole. For as long as I can remember, even as far back as elementary school, it taught me important things like, You’re not good at art. You suck a dodge ball. Your bangs are dumb looking. You can’t spell. But like a hostage with a diabolical captor, I didn’t know…
Read MoreThe Middle Aged Unwanted Hair Battle
Unwanted hair. Yup. We are going there. The battle is real and it’s daunting and it’s not just happening to women. So men, this is not the time to bounce. Stick around. Your middle aged unwanted hair battles are just as overwhelming as ours are. We see you plucking your ear hair. You’re in this…
Read MoreI Wish I Packed My Army Green Pants, A Memoir
I Wish I Packed My Army Green Pants -A Memoir by M.Blazoned Six days, a 35 lb. bag, and three pairs of indigo wash jeans she is allergic to, Meredith has a sinking feeling she blew the entire thing by leaving her army green pants behind. This heartwarming tale that is truly as old as…
Read MoreMy Left Boob
My left boob is so much bigger than my right boob that I don’t even know what is going on anymore. It used to be subtle but now I fear people look at me and suddenly their subconscious screams out to them over and over again…lefty, lefty, lefty. And they are trying not to accidentally…
Read MoreThe Cost of Being Home-Decorating Challenged
Here’s the deal. I’m a woman. I have all the right parts and a decent amount of estrogen to prove it. And yet, I don’t have any interest in decorating my house. Yes, home decorating is just one of the many things our society associates with the X-chromosome for reasons that both perplex and frustrate…
Read More45 Years Old Isn’t the "New" Anything
Turns out 45 years old is just 45 years old. An age that means you are old enough to not feel young anymore, but not old enough to complain about it. It’s like the middle child of ages…no one is impressed or thinks your turning forty-five is a big deal but you. Today I’m forty-five…
Read MoreMother’s Day Exhausts Me
Don’t get me wrong, I’ll happily take a massage and a shout out from the kiddos on Mother’s Day, but after fourteen years, I’ve figured out why it exhausts me too. I’ve boiled it down to these four reasons. I hate the question, “What do you want to do?” There’s too much pressure and expectation. The Mother…
Read MoreThe Little Black Dress Party
So, my friend invited me to a Better Than Ezra concert. She said something like, “Hey, I won four tickets on the radio to see Better than Ezra, do you and Dan want to go?” Now I’m paraphrasing here, but the important part to understand is that the words “Little, Black, Dress, and/or Party” were never spoken, in…
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