Aging Reluctantly
A Quick Guide for Staying Young
If you’re anywhere near middle aged, you are assaulted on the daily with miracle anti-aging serums and creams to keep you young. Now, all of these are bullshit, and, also, I buy many of them. Both things can be true. But I’m starting to think that maybe staying young has almost nothing to do with…
Read MoreA Breakup Letter to My Forties
Dear Forties, Hello. Hello. It’s me. I know things have been over between us for a few weeks, but I feel like there’s so much we left unsaid, and, I’ll just say it, I miss you. I know, I know, I know. You told me that I would. That as bad as things got towards…
Read MoreSeven Signs of the Aging Apocalypse
Locust? Famine? Floods? You wish. Nope. The Aging Apocalypse is not the end of the world, just the end of your youth. And not just the gray hair, reading glasses, and overall crotchety demeanor you’ve been expecting. It’s far more nuanced. And, oh, it’s happening. The signs are there. I’ve been side eyeing them with…
Read MoreWhen You Feel Fat For You
You know when you are feeling fat for you how you spend all the time you could be exercising on thinking about why you’ve put on so much weight. Like it’s a mystery. I blame the steroid I had to take for five days due to a cough that wouldn’t go away for five weeks…
Read MoreWhen Midnight Hits and You’re Wide Awake
I don’t have insomnia. I feel like insomnia is like depression, we all experience it from time to time but not everyone legit has it and we shouldn’t throw it around willy-nilly. But, it’s midnight and I find myself wide-awake. Why I’m awake is anyone’s guess. Maybe it’s because last night I hardcore fell into…
Read MoreDoing Time in Elementary School
This is my 13th consecutive year with a child in elementary school. It’s also, finally, my last. I’ve done my time and when I get out on the other side, I won’t lie, I will be a changed woman. When I was sent to the big house back in 2005, I was thirty-five. I had…
Read MoreGetting Honest is Better Than a Root Canal
I recently got a crown. We all know there only a few ways to get a crown at my age. Taking your chances with “food” from Burger King. Getting swept up in some RomCom-like plot where you discover you are the long lost royal heir to an obscure yet powerful nation. Winning a beauty contest.…
Read More45 Years Old Isn’t the "New" Anything
Turns out 45 years old is just 45 years old. An age that means you are old enough to not feel young anymore, but not old enough to complain about it. It’s like the middle child of ages…no one is impressed or thinks your turning forty-five is a big deal but you. Today I’m forty-five…
Read MoreMore Than My Minivan
I get it. You don’t want a minivan. The entire idea of it is everything you are fighting against. You’ve given your life to your kids. In some cases, your very body for growing said children. You are a parent and, as a result, you are in a dizzy world you never quite imagined when…
Read MoreThe Modern Midlife Crisis
It’s not your parents’ midlife crisis. Hey, how’s your midlife crisis going? Mine’s great, thanks for asking. I can no longer read anything on my phone, my teeth are cracking by the day, I question every decision I’ve made since I was twenty-one, oh, and this is key, I’ve taken to wearing a flower in…
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