I recently got a crown. We all know there only a few ways to get a crown at my age. Taking your chances with “food” from Burger King. Getting swept up in some RomCom-like plot where you discover you are the long lost royal heir to an obscure yet powerful nation. Winning a beauty contest.…

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My left boob is so much bigger than my right boob that I don’t even know what is going on anymore. It used to be subtle but now I fear people look at me and suddenly their subconscious screams out to them over and over again…lefty, lefty, lefty. And they are trying not to accidentally…

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Hey Hollywood, We saw your new movie trailer for Bad Moms. I have to say, we are excited about it. Finally a movie about moms who are sick and tired of having to be perfect. Finally a movie about the ridiculous pressures moms face whether they stay home full-time or work full-time. Finally a movie…

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Turns out 45 years old is just 45 years old. An age that means you are old enough to not feel young anymore, but not old enough to complain about it. It’s like the middle child of ages…no one is impressed or thinks your turning forty-five is a big deal but you. Today I’m forty-five…

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I get it. You don’t want a minivan. The entire idea of it is everything you are fighting against. You’ve given your life to your kids. In some cases, your very body for growing said children. You are a parent and, as a result, you are in a dizzy world you never quite imagined when…

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It’s not your parents’ midlife crisis. Hey, how’s your midlife crisis going? Mine’s great, thanks for asking. I can no longer read anything on my phone, my teeth are cracking by the day, I question every decision I’ve made since I was twenty-one, oh, and this is key, I’ve taken to wearing a flower in…

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My thighs and I have a troubled relationship. There is a great deal of blame, suspicion and betrayal between us. When did things get so bad? Whose fault is it? “How could you have done this to me!” we both shout at each other in our morning mirror routine. It wasn’t always this way. In…

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