Why I’m Suddenly Obsessed with Brad and Jen

What hasn’t been said about this encounter and these photos? Well, I don’t know because I’m not super on top of things. But, here’s what I have to say…

I’ve never been obsessed with Brad and Jen. Mostly because I’m obsessed with Jen for myself. Not in a “I’m hot for her way” (not that there’s anything wrong with that), but in a “I just want her hair, her style, and her comedic timing” way. All I know about Jen is that…Brad Schmad…I don’t really care. Until these photos.

I saw it the same time you did. I was minding my own business and saw that Brad and Jen were trending. What do we have here??? Oh. (first photo) Ohhhhh! (second photo) Oooooohhhhh (interviews)! I was instantly sucked into the rabbit hole of obsessing about them to a point where I didn’t recognize my badass “I don’t care about celebrity couples” self. Don’t judge me. I’m only human for the love of snot.

Because I’m me, who else would I be? I had to examine this. Why, oh why would I suddenly become invested in Brad and Jen? I’m so 2000 and late on this that I don’t get a say; I don’t get to care. There are people, many, many people, who have cared about this forEVER! I have no right. I. have. no. right.

But then I figured out why I was obsessed. Why now. Why them. Why this. And it’s so simple it will blow your Gawker Stawker mind. And maybe it’s been said. Maybe I don’t have any original thoughts anymore, but I don’t care because what I have to say about this will help you understand your weak, obsessed self and why you find yourself embarrassingly interested in this encounter.

Ready?

Okay.

(A bit of a cheerleader joke in there, I think.)

This thing that happened the other night. This thing where Brad and Jen’s separate lives intersected on a magical night is the definitive Ex Encounter Fantasy. You know exactly what I’m talking about.

You see, when you have a break-up, especially one where you were the one who had your heart broken, you spend countless hours post-break-up fantasizing about how it will all go down when you see this person again and make them regret the moment they let you go.

You imagine you will look amazing, beyond amazing, the best you’ve ever looked or thought you could possibly look. You’ll have your hair styled to perfection, your face lightly bronzed with the ideal amount of make-up on. You’ll be wearing something you look irresistible in, like a goddess, accidentally. Your life will be going ridiculously well. You’ll be on top of the world. And at that exact moment when you find the moon and stars of your life, your looks, your success aligned, you’ll run into that guy who dumped you. He will be unable to take his eyes off of you. And, you, you will be so busy living your best life that you’ll have but a fleeting moment to smile warmly and offer a sweet hug, before you have to say goodbye because, of course, your public awaits.

This thing that happened this night was some kind of ex fantasy orgasm for the world. It was exactly like we imagined when we were deep into a quart of ice cream, crying to our best friend, begging the universe to tell us what was so wrong with us that he left, and left us so shitty for some other woman. I don’t care if this was last week or 40 years ago, it’s the same.

Although this is how we dream it will go down in our “someday, buddy…” fantasy, most of us who have suffered heartbreak know that when we run into our ex it will most likely be something closer to this…

You’ll arrive into town after losing your job. Since the airline lost your luggage, you’ll be wearing your mom’s chunky rancher sweater from Sundance with a pair of mauve Chico’s stretch waist corduroys. At Starbucks, you’ll be sporting freshly cut bangs, chaotically darting in a variety of directions…because, bedhead. You’ll have a zit on the tip of your nose that you tried popping but made worse. No way you’ve showered.

But Jen did it. She did it for all of us. She moved on from the public heartbreak humiliation and lived her life. Seeing Brad wasn’t the point of the night. In fact, it had nothing to do with him. Nothing. He was a voyeur into her night, into her moment.

So, when he sees her accept her award. When he sees her in that dress. When they run into each other and he reaches out to not let her go, something in all of us was vindicated. The reason I’m obsessed, maybe why we all are obsessed, is that rarely in life is there anything as satisfying as that kind of relationship closure fantasy becoming a reality.

Now, Jen is a bigger person than I am. She’s sort of lovely. And, honestly, I have nothing against Brad. Look, we all screw shit up in our lives. I don’t know either of them for “yick shit” (trademark pending). I wish them all the best.

But, Jen…. Oh, Jen…. On behalf of all of us who have longed to have this magical moment of being dumped come full-circle with our awesomeness shining so brightly it’s blinding….thank you! It was healing in a way we didn’t even know we needed to be healed. You were all of us.

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