You guys, this is a true story. Missing my hot yoga classes, my super fit husband mentioned how much he was enjoying the free 3-month trial of the Peloton app, so I thought I’d give it a go. Okay, I know those of you who know me personally are already laughing. First of all, how dare you! Second of all, I truly appreciate that you see me. In my defense, he made compelling arguments…and it was quarantine. I was weak.

Well, as promised, this app has an endless variety of classes. You can easily custom tailor it to fit your life. From length of class, to type of music, to intensity…you are completely in charge of your workout, which, if I’m being honest, lies the problem for me. My level of fitness is more dependent on the threat of being public shamed at in-person class rather than any kind of self-motivation. I blame a childhood of dance classes and musicals where performing to applause was the thing and the getting fit was accidental.

Still, the sheer number of instructors means you never have to avoid a class when Jill is teaching or race to get a spot with Lola before some new person doesn’t know the pecking order and is standing in your mirror space. Even at my, let’s kindly say, tepid level of fitness, I’m not above jockeying for a good instructor. I’ve had girl crushes and boy crushes, which is not only acceptable in the fitness world, it’s expected. And this Peloton app has all the Tinder swipe right (left?) pleasure without the bad dates and regrettable sex. It was seductive.

Somewhat related, I think I might be mildly obsessed with Peloton as a brand. It’s like the popular, pretty girl in middle school. I want to be like her and for her to notice me and like me, but it will never happen because I’d have to change the entire make-up of my being. And yet, here I am.

What I’m trying to say is that the app is dope, and I thought, maybe, since the world is turned upside down anyway, I could suddenly be this intrinsically motivated fit person. The app leaves you zero excuse not to find the perfect class, instructor, and tempo to meet your fitness sweet spot.

There’s only really one catch that I’m not sure they considered. Turns out, for maximum benefit and results, it’s not enough to download and explore the app, you have to actually do the workouts.

Yeah, I know. Disappointing.

Growing up watching The Jetsons, I thought that the technology we’d have in the future would be so much cooler than this. It’s just a video of a person doing exercise and you also have to do the workout too? What kind of bait and switch is this? Why did we even invent technology? The future sucks.

So, in the three months since I’ve had the app I’ve done exactly zero point zero workouts. Kind of impressive, right? But, the Peloton people are too busy preaching to the choir by celebrating people’s 100th class or their 100th million class in most cases. Where’s the celebration of those of us with good intentions? Where’s our shout out? Where the hell is Richard Simmons when you need him? He’d have my back.

Yes, it’s impressive to do 100 classes on the free trial. I get that. But, and I’m being serious, how many people downloaded the app and did zero? I bet the same amount as did 100. I committed. Just not the way they thought. I’m in a very elite class of people who can say they did not do a single class on the Peloton app. Respect.

So, maybe I’ll never workout like no one’s watching. Maybe I’ll just take my longs walks and dick around with my 8 lb. weights after a few 1980s style sit-ups while my teenagers make fun of me. But I promise you this, it is people like me who will push the world of technology to create an app that actually makes me fit by downloading it. You’re welcome.

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