My left boob is so much bigger than my right boob that I don’t even know what is going on anymore. It used to be subtle but now I fear people look at me and suddenly their subconscious screams out to them over and over again…lefty, lefty, lefty. And they are trying not to accidentally say it out loud. Like Uncle Buck in this classic scene where he meets his niece’s principal and she has a huge mole on her chin and it’s all he can say.
I don’t even have big boobs, so I seriously doubt anyone is all that fixated on my girls, but my left one is pushing being much bigger than the right to the freakin’ naked eye. And I know I just said boobs and naked in the same sentence, but I don’t even mean any of this in a sexual way, so if you went there, that’s on you. Even if they look like they are winking at you, I assure you, they are not.
But it’s weird. They are my boobs. Part of my body. I think of my body as somewhat symmetrical. Like it would be strange if my left hand was bigger than my right hand….or my feet or my cheeks or my ears. I’m talking obviously bigger. And yet, here I am with this left boob that is pulling at my bras and probably doing some kind of damage on my overall sense of balance and getting my chakras off kilter. Who knows what chaos it’s causing? Maybe the source or my mysterious aging sleep injuries?
And I don’t think it’s some great sign or gift, like I should start painting with it or anything. Although, when I mentioned that to my friends at coffee they thought I might be onto some new million-dollar idea. Boob Prints? I’m not ruling it out. Maybe a line of t-shirts?
I’m sure there is some explanation for it, but since I don’t know what it is I’ll share with you my thought process. The only thing I can come up with is that I’m right handed. So, maybe 45 years of using my right hand and right arm has whittled away my right boob? Cut off needed blood supply? And my lazy ass left arm is giving my left boob free range to grow unfettered? Do left handed people have a bigger right boob? Do ambidextrous people have evenly distributed boobage? I need to know!
Well, that’s it, really. Just tired of thinking about my asymmetrical boobs alone. I’m also pretty damn sure it’s probably a bad idea to write a blog about my boobs. I keep thinking of what kind of reader the Google search words will attract, and I can’t imagine that’s going to go well for me. Facebook will probably ban this blog…lord forbid we talk about boobs in a non-sexual way. So, enjoy while I keep it published. And maybe, just maybe, it will open up an honest dialogue about a subject I bet is on more than just my wacky mind and we can, once and for all, figure out why in the world this is a thing. It’s a thing, right?
PS: In case that clip from Uncle Buck wasn’t enough, here’s the full scene. Comic genius on both sides of the desk.