Whether other people know it or not, I’ve been a fog for far too long. I’ve been upset about probably the same stuff you have been upset with…the world, the hate, people in my life who hurt me. I’ve internalized it. Why? Maybe to be more likable? Maybe to seem together? Who knows. But, no more. I’m 5-0 now and I don’t care, so buckle up!
This morning I unexpectedly broke my blue funk with a 10-minute morning meditation that hit, followed by the shuffle gods randomly playing Michael Franti’s, “Closer to You.” Something in me lit up and made me want to dance. So, I did. In my bathroom. In my pjs. I danced around into a sweat, and thought, enough. I want more of this.
Here’s the plan. I’ve decided I’m going to try like hell to stop living in a fog that OTHER people are blowing my way. I’m either going to take action or let shit go. I’m not going to obsess about things outside of my control. I’m not giving cancer even the slightest chance of growing in my body from internalizing my feelings. I stress the word “try.” I’m also not going to put ANY pressure on myself to do this with any consistency. I’m going to set an intention and accept my human and personal limitations.
So, yeah, I’ve been blue, but somehow I found the wherewithal (great word) to reach out to some friends and seek their support and insights. One thing that stuck is that I spend WAY too much time thinking other people’s actions and words are my problem. While real, and super sucky, they are mostly distractions, and, if I’m honest, sometimes an excuse to stay mired down and defeated. You can get used to being defeated. You can start to like how it paralyzes you and keeps you from trying to shine. It’s safe, right? Being locked up in a cage is safe too, but no thanks.
Today, I’m going to try something new. You’re welcome to join me if you think it might shift your mind into a sunnier, more productive space. I’m going to worry about ME. I’m going to focus my energy on my actions and words. (Duh, right?) I’m going to stop hearing “you” in songs about love and replace it with “me.” I love you” becomes, “I love me.” “You’re the one who makes me happy” in a love song, becomes, “I’m the one who makes me happy.” It’s not much, but it’s a start to stop imagining other people control my happiness or worth.
I’m also going to try to focus on all the things I put off for myself because of work or my kids and call myself out on what a lame excuse that is, how it’s a slippery slope to lame parental martyrdom. I have no interest in being a martyr and tons of interest in exploring my power.
How long will it last? That’s the scared me talking, needing to admit I might fail at this to protect myself from coming across as a fraud or have you roll your eyes. It’s the “needs to be liked” me talking, so that I don’t make you feel bad about yourself if you’re not feeling this right now. But, I’m not listening to this voice. It will last as long as it lasts, and not everyone has be where I am in this moment.
Trust me, if someone suggested this to me two days ago it would have irritated me Only you know where you are and what you need. If you need to stay blue and let these feelings wash over you, I get it. If I want to do that in an hour, so be it. I share this with you because if you are in a place at this moment where you want a way to rethink the vortex of bullshit swirling around the world and in your personal life that’s creating a blue funk fog for you, maybe this will help.
Ah, perfect timing to wrap this up. Michel Franti’s, “Life is Better With You” just came on. Take a listen. Read the lyrics. Change the “you” to “me” and sing it to yourself. “When I think of all that we’ve been through, one thing I know, life is better with you.” You know what? Life is better with me.
Follow me on Facebook for more of my thoughts on life, parenting, marriage, and the “joy” of being middle aged. I’m also on Instagram and Twitter!
For more fun reads, check out my Viral Blogs! If you’re a Gen-Xer, check out this blog, Gen Xers Unite! Or Don’t. Whatever.