Okay, let’s get one thing straight. I am not getting paid for this. I’m not writing this on demand for the Fascia Blaster people. And my only financial interaction with them was the $89+tax and shipping I plunked down for this gizmo.
And, before I reveal to you if it works, please know I’m not endorsing it at all and really have no idea what your results might be with it. I’m all about the fine print, fast-talking disclaimer dude when I say, “Results May Vary.”
So, I got it. I used it. I have an opinion on it that I’m going to share, but first this…
You might not be familiar with the Fascia Blaster, which is interesting you’ve read this far. You must be having a slow night of boredom or just have faith I’ll be somewhat entertaining regardless of what the hell I’m writing about. Well, let me start by telling you what it is and how I came to want one.
“It was a dark and stormy night.” I’m kidding. But you have to love Snoopy’s opening line of his novel. “Suddenly a shot rang out” is the second line and, really, it’s intriguing for a cartoon dog. Anyway, I digress. It was a night like many. I was mindlessly scrolling through my Facebook news feed wondering why I was so empty inside and how I thought this particular life choice would change that, when I came across an ad for the Fascia Blaster. Now, we all know that Facebook tirelessly targets our ads based on our deepest fears and insecurities, and, honestly, they couldn’t have nailed this one any better for me. It’s a thingamabob that claims to change the fascia to reduce the appearance of cellulite. Let the motherf***ing choirs sing! This is literally the answer to all my problems.
Now, if the appearance of cellulite doesn’t qualify as “all your problems” I’m sure I just came across as kind of a tone deaf asshole, but just know that I’ve got plenty of other problems, but cellulite is like my most annoying nemesis and beating it is my middle aged to twilight year personal quest.
Okay, back to the action…
The ad was a video. I watched it once with no sound. I do that. A lot. I don’t know why really. Maybe it’s like observing a blind date from across the bar for a while to see if you want to invest the time and effort into talking to them. All of this makes sense in my brain. Well, I saw enough that I was interested. I watched the video with sound. I watched it again. I went to the website. I read. I clicked open tabs. I watched more videos. I read testimonials. Then I remembered I had a life outside of Facebook and that was that.
But Facebook doesn’t give up so easily. Oh, it kept track of how much time I spent cuddled up to the Fascia Blaster videos and it would not rest until I bought the thing. Truth be told, I started to become mildly obsessed with it. Did it work? Could it be? Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore and had to know for myself. I ordered it, got a bottle of baby lotion, and started fascia blasting.
To give you a bit of background, and again, I’m no expert. I’m just a girl standing in front of a group of strangers reading my blog telling them I have cellulite. But here’s what I’ve surmised. The woman who invented it maybe had a flesh eating disease (that sounds hard to believe, so I might be dreaming that.) As a result, she had issues/pain with fibromyalgia and started researching the fascia. The fascia seems to be some kind of connective tissue that is woven and holds in your fat. If you have loosely woven fascia (I’m really just spitballing here from memory. I don’t do research for blogs.), then your fat pops through the openings..hello cellulite. If you have tightly woven fascia, it keeps things looking smooth. So, somehow, when you use the fascia blaster it tightens up the fascia? Changes the fascia? Does nothing? I don’t know for sure. Something like that.
Well, turns out I have what the founder lady, Ashley Black, calls, “crappy fascia.” I’m not really fat and I workout, I dance, I think skinny thoughts, but still I have cellulite when it seems almost unfair! Waah, poor me. I decided, I had the money, and needed to see if this was complete malarky or actually a thing that might have some merit and work.
So, I got it and started using it.
Now, I’ll be honest, I didn’t read the directions. I’m not really a directions reading kinda gal. The Blaster is like a bar with four plastic claws on it and I saw enough videos that I thought I was smart enough to do it right. I wasn’t. I didn’t. My first session with it was too long and too rough. And I know that sounds sexual, but that’s on you. It’s just I was so damn excited and wanted results immediately that I went to town and the next day had tons of bruises.
I was like, Aha! I’m onto you Fascia Blaster. You bruise up my legs so that when they heal I’m like, wow, that looks so much better! But, then I read the enclosed instruction, followed by some stuff on the website about bruising and was like, Whoops, my bad!
I started in again, following the directions and as the bruises faded, I was thinking it was kind of working. Since, I assumed I lost my mind, I asked my husband and my kids and they all, of course, said, Sure it is! So, there was really no way to know for sure. And since I was going away and needed a week for the bruising to heal, I had to stop. I only did it for a week and wasn’t sure what the results were. After the trip, I decided I’d do it every day, as instructed, and see if there was any change. I mean, people like you were counting on me!
So. Now. The moment you’ve been waiting for. Does the Fascia Blaster work? Drumroll, please!!!
Yes! It worked! It actually has changed the way my upper thighs look. I know, right? I can’t believe it. It’s not like suddenly I don’t have fat or it’s permanent or anything, but my thighs are way smoother and look kind of skinnier too! It’s sort of weird, actually. And they were right about the bruising, I don’t have any issues with it anymore!
Now, I’ve also been working out, as usual, but doing a lot more thigh toning stuff too because it’s vacation time and summer is coming. Still, I’ve done that plenty in my life and haven’t seen my thighs look this good since before I had my third kid. Yeah, that really put my body over the edge.
Are my thighs perfect? Hell no. Are they firm like a real workout person? Not a chance. But I’m telling you they look better in a way that surprises me on the daily.
Fascia blasting is now just part of my routine. Two minutes on each leg after working out. It’s no huge hardship. I’ll probably only do it before vacations and in the summer, but holy hell, I’m really excited about it.
Now, before you all jump to their web page and order it, I’m going to confess one last thing. I’m well aware that my “results” might just be some mild form of body dysmorphia where I want it to be true so much that I’m seeing something that’s not there. But, the thing I’m not seeing is my cellulite, and even if it’s all in my head, it’s literally the best $89+ tax and shipping I’ve ever spent.
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