How I Squandered the First Day Back to School

Today was the first day of school for my three kids. I spent the summer dreaming of all the things I would do once I was back to having my own routine. In full confession, I may have also spent a small portion of the summer lamenting about how hard it is to do anything for myself when the kids are home. By lamenting, I mean, complaining and writing a sarcastic blog about it, but I digress.

Well, finally, as if by magic, it came…the first day of school, shining in front of me with all the promise of a double rainbow at sunrise…and I totally squandered it. Or did I?


Let’s start with a list of all the things I vowed I would do on this blessed day. Truth be told, I was excited to do these mundane things because much like the pain of childbirth, I had forgotten that the routine I longed for was actually a small pile of suck, and started to imagine it as a dashing adventure. After the list of The Small Pile of Suck, I will tell you what I actually got accomplished too. Let’s call that The Bigger Pile of Suck/Nothing. If at any point you feel the need to judge me, remember, I’m you, only honest…with a blog.

The Small Pile of Suck That I Dreamed of All Summer

Here’s what I planned on doing once school started:

  • Workout regularly again (Didn’t make it to a class.)
  • Clean out the closets (Nope. Just stuffed more stuff in and shut the door. That door is severely booby-trapped. Fair warning.)
  • Organize/Purge stuff in basement (Not even close. Basements scare me and smell funny.)
  • Touch up paint on walls of the staircase (Admittedly lofty. Didn’t happen. Finger prints and random black streaks still there.) (Where do the random black streaks come from?) (Can you use parentheses on something in parentheses?) (I’m good with it.)
  • Catch up on work for my paying clients (Sorry. I know some of you follow me. I swear,  tomorrow.)
  • Bill a client for some speaking I did (You’d think the lure of collecting money might motivate me. You’d be wrong.)
  • Write a new, fabulous blog that will go viral and allow me to quit my day job. (Again, sorry to my clients. I love you. I really do.) And I’m just writing this now, long after the kids have been home, so I’m counting it as something I didn’t technically do during my window of freedom.
  • Go to the bank. (I just need to. Don’t overanalyze this one.)
  • Organize my vacation photos (I’ve never actually organized any photos, ever.)
  • Update my website and figure out why it crashes all the time (I just started to cry thinking about how unqualified I am to conquer this one. So, surprise! It didn’t happen.)
  • Sort out all the things in my life that keep me up at night (Never. Gonna. Happen.)
  • Eat better (Bahahahahahahahaha. I’m killing myself with this one.)

Oh, in case you haven’t laughed yet reading this, I also thought once I finished some of this stuff I’d reward myself by going to the pool without the kids and lounge in the sun reading a book. Go ahead. Have a good, long laugh. I’ll wait.

I’ll admit, I don’t know what I was thinking. It’s like I never met myself before. And this list is really my goal for back to school in general, not all to be done today. What’s stunning though, is that not only did I not accomplish anything on this list, I didn’t so much as start anything on this list. What’s beyond stunning, or shocking perhaps, is what I actually did with my precious time.


The Bigger Pile of Suck/Nothing

Here’s what I actually did today:

  • I didn’t shower. (Just an FYI. It actually never even entered my mind. I was busy. You’ll see.)
  • I cleaned to have the house cleaned, or stuffed things in already messy closets. Now, normally I don’t have my house cleaned, but I justified this “treat” because of all the paid “work” I had to do now that the kids were gone. (Again, this work did not get done.)
  • I laid in bed feeling nauseous (True story. I had some kind of 24 hour bug.) and watched the first episode of that Wet Hot American Summer series on Netflix
  • After that episode of Wet Hot American Summer, I realized I needed to see the original movie to truly appreciate how funny it was. So, that’s right, I watched Wet Hot American Summer, the movie, on Netflix. Should I say it again? Because it’s so fa-flippin’ unbelievable it might need repeating.
  • Bummed out that I didn’t feel sick anymore, and thus unable to justify any more brain-killing spoof comedy watching with some of the grossest/funniest make out scenes ever, I did fold some laundry and empty the trash and recycling.
  • I spent a considerable amount of time carefully choosing a few more songs for a playlist on Spotify. Doesn’t sound like much, but if you knew how righteous the playlist was, you’d understand my priorities.
  • But the real thing I accomplished was making a very thorough list of things to do and goals for the week. So, there’s that. And with that list as my guide and inspiration, all of my hopes and dreams of productivity will come true…..just tomorrow. Maybe. Let’s not go crazy.


The moral of the story is two fold. 1.) As much as I was annoyed all summer with my lazy, self-involved kids, and even penned an open letter blog  about them, I was really bummed they went back to school. Despite the truth of that letter, they are just being kids and are helpful when asked. And I love those little shits. But, before you get out the tissues to dab the tears in the corner of your eyes about how I’m about to bring this blog around to “gratitude,” hang on just a second. The reason I’m bummed they are back in school is because now that they are gone, I have NO excuse for being the procrastinating, time-wasting, day-dreaming, crude spoof comedy watching, attention deficit, playlist making, possibly smelly person that I am.

The other fold is this. 2. of 2. folds) If life is what happens when you are making plans, well then, I just won life, or at least today. Move over Charlie Sheen, I’m winning.


  1. Jennice on August 11, 2015 at 10:19 pm

    I feel you on the throwing things in the closet. My closet has taken on a life of its own. I never open it and make sure its closed at night because I KNOW the boogey man would set up shop in there. My daughter still has a month until school and I’m counting down the days because I really only want to do two things while she’s in school 1) look for and get a new job and 2) have sex.

    • M. on August 13, 2015 at 8:31 am

      Love it! Good luck on #1 and #2 too! Hilarious!!

  2. Dano on August 11, 2015 at 5:16 pm

    You had me at “small pile of suck”.

    • M. on August 13, 2015 at 8:31 am

      Right? I turned that phrase, yo!

  3. marybethbass on August 11, 2015 at 3:38 pm

    This is awesome. You could probably carve the first list in marble. That’s what I finally did with my Goals List 2007.
    Just kidding, “Carve List of Important Things to Accomplish This Year in Marble” was added to Goals 2008.