All the Blogs

Here's where all the magic happens. And by magic, I mean here's where I write stuff for you to read. I talk marriage, parenting, modern gender angst, and my take on the small and big moments of being a human, which turns out, isn't as easy as I thought it would be. Mostly it's comical stuff, but sometimes I like to play an Air Supply song to slow things down a bit and make my move to make out with you – metaphorically, of course. It's not that kind of website. The blogs are sarcastic, satirical, at times swear-filled, at times straight from the heart, always honest, and hopefully relatable. It's for women and men who have a killer sense of humor and daily wonder, Is anyone else losing their mind? I'm happy to report that, yes, we all are. You'll see....

Why I Wanted to Throw an Apple at My Husband’s Head for 20 Years

This is the somewhat true story of how my husband eating an apple in the car for twenty years nearly, ...
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I Tried the Fascia Blaster on My Cellulite

Okay, let's get one thing straight. I am not getting paid for this. I'm not writing this on demand for ...
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Escaping Your Inner Voice Captor

My inner voice is an asshole. For as long as I can remember, even as far back as elementary school, ...
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The Night I Became "That Parent"

You know how when you were growing up you said you’d never be like one of those out of touch ...
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Here’s Why the Oscars Suck

It’s been a while since I just wrote a stream of consciousness blog that offends half of my readers, so ...
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The Hair Pulling Madness of the Campus Tour

I was a tour guide in college. I worked in admissions. I’ve consulted with students applying to college. I know ...
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Maybe Don’t Let Your Kid Be A Dick To Alexa

If you haven’t met Alexa, you will. Or someone like her. She’s the voice of Amazon’s artificial intelligence home system ...
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The Beautiful Maddening Contradiction of Teenagers

I happen to love teenagers. Both the ones I’ve worked with for years and, most of the time, my own. ...
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The Middle Aged Unwanted Hair Battle

Unwanted hair. Yup. We are going there. The battle is real and it's daunting and it's not just happening to ...
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Big Picture Parenting

You ever wonder if you are doing a good job raising your kids? Ever worry that all of your ideas ...
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M.Blazoned’s Ridiculous 2016 Book List

Like all good bloggers, I’d like to share with you my favorite reads of the year because I read a ...
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Teenagers in the Mist

Nestled deep within the quiet suburban setting, we come upon the natural habitat of the complex human, known as The ...
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In (Mild) Defense of the Elf on the Shelf

Anyone who knows me knows that I'm a prime candidate to hate this ridiculous Elf on a Shelf tradition. For starters, ...
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I Wish I Packed My Army Green Pants, A Memoir

I Wish I Packed My Army Green Pants  -A Memoir by M.Blazoned Six days, a 35 lb. bag, and three ...
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To the "Not to be nitpicky, but…" People

Someone started a comment to one of my blogs with, “Not to be nitpicky, but…” and then, shocker, went on ...
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Getting Honest is Better Than a Root Canal

I recently got a crown. We all know there only a few ways to get a crown at my age. ...
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M.Blazoned Freaks Out Watching Cyst Removal Video

My husband watched this video of a woman removing a cyst from her boyfriend's face and said he almost threw ...
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My Left Boob

My left boob is so much bigger than my right boob that I don’t even know what is going on ...
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Vacation Daddy

Something happens to my husband when we go on vacation. He turns into what we refer to as, Vacation Daddy. ...
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Hamilton Tickets: The Dumbest, Best Money We’ve Ever Spent

Have you heard about Hamilton? The run-away smash hit musical currently dominating all of Broadway and the minds and heart ...
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End of School Madness is Upon Us

Did I say September was the worst? I might have to retract that and put May in the top spot. ...
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Hey Hollywood, Your Bad Moms Casting is Super Lame

Hey Hollywood, We saw your new movie trailer for Bad Moms. I have to say, we are excited about it. ...
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Enjoy Every Minute of It? Do You Even Have Kids?

"Enjoy every minute of it" is the most well-meaning piece of parenting advice, and yet, the most ridiculously delusional. This ...
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"Area Man Shocked to Find Out Cool Wife Wants to Feel Special On Valentine’s Day"

The Vidalia. Like The Onion, Only Sweeter. February 15, 2016 by M.Blazoned Area Man was surprised when his "cool" wife ...
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The Default Parent Resume

Resumes are kind of my thing. My entire career has been evaluating applicants on their professional experience, but lately it occurs ...
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So, I’m Going to Freakin’ India!

So, I’m going to India. Such a simple sentence but I can assure you there has been nothing simple about ...
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A Letter to My Friends on New Year’s Day

Dear Friends, It is the first day of the year and of course I want to wish you a Happy ...
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