Being Human

The Family Dinner Horror Show

I have never liked horror movies. It was one and done for me. I still can’t even think about the Exorcist without covering my ears and saying, “La, la, la, la, la.” But lately, I’ve been longing for something as simple as a demon-possessed child with a spinning head. A creepy clown offering kids a…

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The Joy of Not Caring About Stuff

I have no idea why we care about some things deeply, and other things we have no interest in at all. Take the eclipse. I’m super gung-ho about the eclipse, but hell, I get wildly pumped up for a full moon every month, and find a clear starry night to hold romance, mystery, and, possibly,…

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Things I Want To Complain About That Make Me An Asshole

Years ago, we were living in a teeny tiny, can’t stand up straight upstairs, cape with barely two bathrooms, and we were redoing the one downstairs. I was talking to a friend who had just built a huge-ass mansion and when I confessed I was stressed out about picking out tile she said, “Imagine picking…

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Escaping Your Inner Voice Captor

My inner voice is an asshole. For as long as I can remember, even as far back as elementary school, it taught me important things like, You’re not good at art. You suck a dodge ball. Your bangs are dumb looking. You can’t spell. But like a hostage with a diabolical captor, I didn’t know…

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Maybe Don’t Let Your Kid Be A Dick To Alexa

If you haven’t met Alexa, you will. Or someone like her. She’s the voice of Amazon’s artificial intelligence home system called the Echo. She’s a wi-fi based-Siri. She’s a modern day genie in a bottle, not-so-much granting wishes as keeping your brain from working too hard. She’s the embodiment of Albert Einstein’s famous quote, “Never…

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The Middle Aged Unwanted Hair Battle

Unwanted hair. Yup. We are going there. The battle is real and it’s daunting and it’s not just happening to women. So men, this is not the time to bounce. Stick around. Your middle aged unwanted hair battles are just as overwhelming as ours are. We see you plucking your ear hair. You’re in this…

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M.Blazoned’s Ridiculous 2016 Book List

Like all good bloggers, I’d like to share with you my favorite reads of the year because I read a lot, because people who read a lot are super smart and interesting, and I’m super smart and interesting. But I don’t like to brag, so I’ll just give you the few that really had an…

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To the "Not to be nitpicky, but…" People

Someone started a comment to one of my blogs with, “Not to be nitpicky, but…” and then, shocker, went on to be nitpicky. She offered some handy facts no one asked for or needed to refute my comical musing on a subject. Not sure how reading one of my admittedly factless blogs prompts someone to…

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Getting Honest is Better Than a Root Canal

I recently got a crown. We all know there only a few ways to get a crown at my age. Taking your chances with “food” from Burger King. Getting swept up in some RomCom-like plot where you discover you are the long lost royal heir to an obscure yet powerful nation. Winning a beauty contest.…

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M.Blazoned Freaks Out Watching Cyst Removal Video

My husband watched this video of a woman removing a cyst from her boyfriend’s face and said he almost threw up. Naturally, I had to watch it because I’m insane. Immediately, I started freaking out and he grabbed my phone and videoed me watching it. The video below is me watching and reacting to it…not…

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