45 Years Old Isn’t the "New" Anything

Turns out 45 years old is just 45 years old. An age that means you are old enough to not feel young anymore, but not old enough to complain about it. It’s like the middle child of ages…no one is impressed or thinks your turning forty-five is a big deal but you.

Today I’m forty-five and I’m not having one of those aha moments of gratitude about my age, which trust me, I do have. A lot. I get the alternative to aging is terrible, but this blog isn’t about that. Instead, I’m treating myself to a blunt assessment of what 45 years of life feels like and what is ahead of me. If you are reading through this blog hoping for some kind of wise reflection at the end about how aging is “only a number” or “you’re only as old as you feel inside,” abandon ship now. This is going to go full-on honest, with zero redemption, and without a neat resolution to uplift you. I’m going to end it in the middle of a thought with a preposition, because.

Aging by The Numbers
Once you reach your first milestone of aging, you quickly learn that if your age ends in a “9” it’s somehow worse than if it ends in “0.” So, 39 is actually a worse age than 40 because you are the oldest of the thirty-somethings and dangerously close to putting a fork in another decade of lost dreams, unrealized potential, and your skin’s losing battle with elasticity. You figure out that at least when you turn 40, or start any other fresh decade, you become the youngin’ and can cobble together a fair amount of optimism for how you are going to take hold of this decade and make it your bitch. It’s sweet you think that.

As you age you also learn that the “0” to “4” at the end of your age is fantastic, and once you hit the “5”, like 45, you round up. You are essentially 50 and everyone knows it. Second halves of decades go faster. It’s proven…probably. You can tell you are in the late half of the decade because people will say, “Wow, you look good…for your age,” which is the Cirque du Soleil contortionist version of a compliment. Take it. It’s as good as it gets.

So, 45. Half-way to 90. Ninety. Nine-ty. We all know how fast the first 45 years flew by, so, in the blink of an eye you’ll be that old person who has fallen and can’t get up only it won’t be so funny then. And here’s a curveball, I’m not even sure I want to live to 90. Think of all the meals you’ll have to think about and cook? I’m already sick of all food. Think of all the people you’ll have to pretend to like. Think of all the pleasant conversation you’ll have to make with twenty-one year old idiots who think they are smarter than you.

And think of your body. If I take my body today and add another 45 years of aging to it, I don’t think that’s going to be a good time, and let me tell you why…

Gravity.
Can you even imagine another 45 years of gravity having its way with your skin, fat, boobs…your junk? Yah, that’s right, guys. Gravity ain’t helping you either. If it’s sagging now, it’s not going to get any better unless you start walking everywhere on your hands, which is something I have seriously considered.

Digestive System.
A few days ago, my body gave me an early birthday present. Suddenly, without any warning, and because it clearly hates me, it decided, unilaterally, that it was done processing cheese. Yup. Just, “F you, M. I’m not doing cheese anymore.” But since my digestion system doesn’t talk to me, it just gave me unbearable pain in my chest, the likes of a heart attack, gas bubbles constricting all four of my ventricles, and heartburn that made that time I dumbly ate a huge burrito when I was nine months pregnant seem like a pleasure cruise.

I can’t express to you how much I love cheese. Instead of this blog, I toyed with the ideas of just writing an ode to cheese, but I couldn’t see through the tears to type it.

You’re 45 now. No cheese for you.

Sleeping Injuries.
But my body wasn’t done celebrating my birthday yet. Today, on my actual birthday, I woke up with a crick in my neck. You know, that complete immobility you feel in your neck that’s the result of nothing more than sleeping in your bed? Yup. I spent the day unable to look left. I can barely look right either, but I’m trying to sprinkle in a little bit of optimism here. The truth is if I just sit here and look straight ahead, it hurts like hell. With every radiating shard of pain my body seems to be saying, “You know you’re old, right?”

And it’s not just cricks in the neck. It’s all kinds of weird body aches you will now get just by sleeping. You’ll think wistfully about the time you fell off your bike when you were twelve, Evil Knievel style….over the handlebars into a complete asphalt roll, and were completely fine. Nothing even hurt. Nothing. You walked away from that with full-mobility. Now, you just wake up in the morning and your knee buckles. And because you are in complete denial about the aging process, you start to ponder what might have caused it, out loud, to anyone who will listen. You throw out ridiculous things like that exercise class you took a week ago, that bike crash when you were twelve. But, it’s nothing. Nothing caused it except good old-fashioned aging mixed with the seemingly benign act of sleeping.

Zits.
I wish I could think of one upside to turning 45, like at least I no longer have to deal with acne. But just this weekend I got three zits. Two unpoppable ones on my forehead that seem to be hardwired into my skull. And one massive blackhead on my chin that I managed to squeeze, creating a cut/soon-to-be scar, while the blackhead stayed perfectly in tact, mocking me. I don’t know how to pop a blackhead. I’m 45.

Heartwarming Conclusion
Lest you get caught up in the “45 is the new 30” nonsense, brought to you by the makers of Oil of No Way, I’m here to tell you that it isn’t. 30 was fifteen years of youth ago you will never get back. What you have gained in wisdom is now being cancelled out by your lack of memory. What you have gained by experience is being cancelled out by “nobody gives a crap what you think, old dude.” So, guess what? You’re just 45. Half way to 90. A good twenty-seven years past high school graduation. Probably two years away from qualifying for an AARP card, which you should totally get…I hear the deals are amaaazing. And twenty years from complete irrelevance, if you’re lucky. But don’t despair. It’s all good because at least you aren’t 46. That shit is old, yo.

20 Comments

  1. Doc on August 3, 2017 at 6:12 pm

    Awesome read! I needed this so much!!! Turning 45 this November.

  2. Jaszy on December 5, 2015 at 7:55 pm

    I can scarcely type through the tears, I am in stitches here! Thank you! I just sat down to write a post about my impending big 4-5 but of course thought is best to do a Google search and found you. Sleeping injuries are REAL! I thought it was just ME. But wait, early onset menopause is so much funner! (Said no one, ever.)

    You’ve gained a fan! Thanks again!

  3. Elizabeth on August 26, 2015 at 10:21 am

    This put a smile and my wrinkling face 🙂

    • M. on August 26, 2015 at 3:25 pm

      Try Oil of No Way…it works wonders! 😉

  4. Margs on August 26, 2015 at 3:23 am

    I have just turned 49 so am dangling over the edge of that cliff that is 50. But my lovely family decided to celebrate my birthday with no presents, so I guess that means I’m still 48, right? When I was 45, the corner of my front tooth broke off as I was carrying a load of shirt hangers in my mouth (as you do). My brother, a dentist, informed me that this was known as “washerwoman’s tooth” and was due to teeth wearing out. Also, I can no longer wear toe nail polish as it severely dries out my nails and makes them look like they have a fungal infection. Another ‘A’ thing! (A=age).

    • M. on August 26, 2015 at 3:25 pm

      Are you even serious about the tooth??? That’s insane. And you are 48. No presents = no aging. Thanks for sharing. You made me laugh out loud.

  5. Jennice on August 26, 2015 at 1:17 am

    Wait, so I’m really thirty. Damn, four years of my life taken away. Screw you, Math!

  6. Stephanie Brucher on August 25, 2015 at 8:24 pm

    Five and above give it a shove.!

    All you young ones piss me off because I think I am your age. However, I have been reminded by no less than three of your kind in the last few weeks who told me I was their favorite babysitter!!!! Once upon a time that would have made me happy.
    Shoot me NOW!

    • M. on August 25, 2015 at 10:33 pm

      You’re cracking me up! We are all the same age…old!

  7. Rory on August 25, 2015 at 4:51 pm

    I’m 44. I have had a zit on the corner of my jawline for two months because I cannot leave it alone. I’m so outraged at having had zits for 33 straight years that I keep peeling off their attempts to heal in mindless, Pavlovian angst. My pores look like Sponge Bob. This morning I went to the chiropractor for the fourth time in a week for the crick in my neck that returns every time I try to sleep. I say “try” because closing my eyes and opening them to see the morning is a thing of the past; now I nap and stare at the ceiling until dawn. A couple of years ago I had several giant varicose veins pulled from my right leg. I’ve grown new, bigger ones back. A couple of years before that, my lumbago gave out and I had a titanium rods put into my spine. Since 1998 my knees have crackled like Rice Krispies whenever I bend them — a recent x-ray showed they had “mild arthritis” — can’t wait to get a load of moderate. And now you’re telling me the other shoe is about to drop?? I just remembered that my mom was mid-40s when she simultaneously developed a severe lactose intolerance with severe diverticulitis. That means not only no cheese, but no tomatoes, no raspberries, not a single sesame seed on sushi, and a daily breakfast of Weetabix with Lactaid. This, THIS, is why I can’t see the thrill of living ALL of the next potential 45 years. The only reason I’m not shouting your name to the sky with a shaking fist is that you just reminded me to go eat manchego and drink wine before my colon and liver give out. Thanks, I think.

    • M. on August 25, 2015 at 8:22 pm

      A laugh riot from beginning to end. Thank you, I think, for the laughs!

  8. Kevin on August 25, 2015 at 3:36 pm

    The week after I turned 30, I got back spasms, and I haven’t had them since. Just before I turned 40, I started to feel arthritic in one of my fingers. I just turned 50 and it had already been the worst medical year of my life: colds, flu, and MERSA. Yet most of the intervening years have been fine, so what gives?! Rather than saying to myself “you’re only as old as you think you are”, I just keep acting like I’m 25 and cursing my body for not keeping up!

    Love reading your blog.

  9. Peter on August 25, 2015 at 1:30 pm

    So, 63 is the new, what ? And with a 17 yr old high school senior son who knows it all and loves to tell me I’m fat, when my BMI is in the middle range for my body height/weight, but much of the BMI is in my middle ! Peter

  10. Jools Hodges on August 25, 2015 at 12:58 pm

    Brilliant. Spot on and slightly alarming as I’m 46 too!

  11. Frangi on August 25, 2015 at 12:16 pm

    I hear you sister..!!! thanks, refreshing read.. am so sick of not being allowed to complain by the “oh but u r not that old and u look great” stuff..phisical aging sucks, totally..period!!
    I can see u r a good sport, so as a 48yrs old :-o, I’ll tell u somerthing more: wait till u get to menopause…now that’s great..NOT.. I can tell u.. 😉 But hey.. getting old still beat the alternative, right..? 😉 keep writing. bye

  12. marla on August 25, 2015 at 9:51 am

    UGH and I turned 50 last week!

  13. Jennifer Anthony on August 25, 2015 at 9:23 am

    I’m doing the “It’s not just me!” dance right now. I work at a university and I swear each year the kids come back to school looking and acting so much more damn perky than the last year and I really hate them. Not really, but still.

  14. Ingi on August 25, 2015 at 8:32 am

    Except I’m 46.

    • M. on August 25, 2015 at 8:50 am

      Damn it! But you look great for your age! 😉

      • Kayleen on April 27, 2016 at 9:55 am

        That inhi’stgs perfect for what I need. Thanks!

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